iLLuMiNa - Introspection...

2010-09-06T03:12:00.002+10:00

Ugh. Writing is so hard. In my head, I'd like to think of myself as a writer. However in reality, the words are just not flowing. I have great ideas in my head, but when I try putting pen to paper, nothing ever comes out. What is wrong with me? Maybe I'm really not meant to be a writer? Just like this piece I'm writing right now. It's so short. Ugh. I can't even whinge properly on paper.

2010-08-05T18:10:00.004+10:00

The taxi stopped at a busy junction, and there were these masses of people scurrying across the street. On close inspection, everyone of them is an individual. Everyone different names, different facial features, different builds, different gender. However, if you just look from a distance, they're all the same. They're just people, getting from one place to another.Am I one of them? Am I just

2009-12-15T02:02:00.002+11:00

Gee.. I seriously wondered how did i spend my time in melbourne lol. Crazily bored in sg right now. It's not like i'm always out in melbourne. I'm just so bored here. So dependent on just 1 person to go out with me.

2009-10-19T23:57:00.003+11:00

Right. So i've succumbed to pressure and logged onto my FB account. So i've no fuckin' idea what's so addictive about it. Just posted a 'What am i thinking right now' and that's it. What else is there to do? Do not conprehend how people spend hours and hours over facebook. Prolly the extra applications. Which i'm not interested in. Anyway i'm so fuckin' bored right now that's why i'm actually

2008-12-31T07:00:00.003+11:00

Boy meets boy. Told me he was messed up and needs to sort himself out. Rejected. Is it real? or more likely, an excuse? I've been told to wait, but i've a feeling i'd be waiting for nothing. Nevertheless, i'll be waiting. It's only 2 more months and i'd be back in Melbourne. It has never gonna be possible anyway. Who am i kidding? Myself? To expect someone to wait 8 months for me? I must be

2008-12-15T07:41:00.002+11:00

Back from Fab Sun. Haha. Got to know Clarence's friends better. I hope. Well not really better better but just hung out more. Danced together. Talked more. Though nothing of importance. I think i might come across as unable to hold a conversation. I dunno. My sentences are pretty broken lol.I. Need. Some. Intimacy.It's been so long. I wanna feel wanted. Desirable. Though I'm not one who doesn't

2008-11-06T03:27:00.002+11:00

Omg omg. I keep wanting to blog but i can never sit down to do it. Not that i hate writing. I love writing. It's up there together with eating and gaming as my favourite things in life. Writing. Never did realise that i've a flair for writing. Turn intangible thoughts into tangible words. Used to hate writing with a vengeance. After that fiasco known as A levels. Terrible. Useless bums teaching

2008-11-04T04:50:00.003+11:00

Discipline. Or the lack of it. Is. My. Biggest. Problem. Sometimes i just hate how ill-disciplined i am. One moment i tell myself i wanna do this and do that, the next moment i find myself sitting in front of my laptop, hitting the keys for 'starfire' on a monster. How terrible it is. If only i can be half-disciplined as i am in playing WoW, i'd be in SG now finishing 3rd yr Uni. But NO! I'm

2008-08-19T05:15:00.002+10:00

It's been a long time since i've posted anything. Well i'm up at 5am wondering what's there to do and i don't wanna go to bed because i'll definitely not wake up for my 9am class. So.. i'm just gonna sit here and listen to music, eat some breakfast, make some coffee and stay up the whole day later. Ever wondered what will your life be now if you didn't make a particular choice back in time or you

2007-10-09T21:58:00.000+10:00

People have been badgering me to blog so here i am, blogging for the benefit of all. =p Well i should first say how grateful i am for having such great friends here in Melb with me, i.e. Suee, melvin, Sof, and that i love them very very much. Exams were over the previous week, and i think i did pretty badly for them. SO! I've decide i'll be a good boy this term, and mug mug mug for the rest of

2007-07-16T13:02:00.000+10:00

Hai, mr lengzai isn't connected to any of my aj friends. Disappointing. I guess I must start from teh beginning else people reading this won't have any head or tail. All began with orientation. I was there, super sleepy early in the morning. Then lengzai came in. I was like, uh oh, peach blossom trouble. Rugged good looks, muscular fit. I told myself not to get to know him, knowing what i was

2007-06-19T03:08:00.000+10:00

I bought the rubber keyboard which stills need some adapting to. Bloody hard to type. Just bought it so i can play ffxi on my laptop without the weird key configurations on my lappy. Anyway, went to Powerhouse's Fabulous Flirt last night. Met my first ex there again. Terrible i tell you. Each time i meet him, i tend to sink into depression and reflect on what has my life turned out to be. People

2007-06-08T23:11:00.000+10:00

I guess i should start blogging again, after 2 sources quoted that random writing is good for generating ideas and general conclusions about what happened daily. So i'm gonna write about whatever happened, my thoughts, whatever comes to mind in no logical manner whatsoever. Heck, i don't think i'm gonna even care about spelling, though i've typed the backspace countless times before reaching this

2007-04-13T02:16:00.000+10:00

Sigh. Same old thing happens over and over again. What's new for me? Meet cute guy, go gaga over cute guy. Get depressed. Bleah.

2007-01-22T20:07:00.000+11:00

Me and jeremy. I guess it was a shock to everyone who knew. I never expected M and L's reactions to be so bad. I feel terrible for doing this, much less to say jeremy. I suppose he's feeling extremely bad, that he made a huge mistake, making everyone unhappy. However I got to be strong, for the both of us. I can't be indecisive and regret everything now. I can only hope that the furore will die

2006-12-26T06:28:00.000+11:00

Am in a dark mood now. Listening to a dark song(sounds dark to me at least)'Pride' by Ayumi Hamasaki. I've put up a video of Pride under the videos section. Go check it out if you wanna hear what it's like. Heard this song quite long ago, waaay back in May when I went for Ayumi's concert in Osaka(actually waaaaaaaaaaaaay back longer before the concert coz my friend was playing the album). However

2006-12-07T11:17:00.000+11:00

It's been a crazy fortnight. So many things happened within these 2 weeks. I guess i'm not suitable for this kind of lifestyle. hahha.. Shan't elaborate too much. I think i need to take a break from all these again, go out walk walk by myself. Having company is too much to bear. Being alone is the best.

2006-11-30T05:04:00.000+11:00

I'm feeling terrible. Feel-good factor from 14hrs of sleep worn off. I just feel like cocooning up again, safe in my own world, away from the sad realities of life. It's freaking uncomfortable for me to meet new people, to hangout with them, when there's always a spectre of rejection hanging over my head. I hate being rejected, and i'm always getting rejected so much so that i'm always expecting

2006-11-29T01:04:00.000+11:00

I feel so good now. Slept 14 hrs from 5am to 7pm and missed lunch with Mirantz and Lennel. Haha.. But I feel wonderfully rejuvenated and great about myself. I was up so late last night cos i was addicted to a book, just can't put it down heh. It's another book by Marian Keyes (Yeah i absolutely love chick-lit) called the Last Chance Saloon. I saw similarities between me and a character in the

2006-11-27T20:39:00.000+11:00

It's been a hectic weekend. Been helping out for Trevvy's launch parties held at Attica and Tabs. So i've been heading down to their office pretty frequently these days (just a few bus stops from my house anyway). Been helping to pack the goodie bags over the weekend then helping them to transport it to Attica yesterday. Well, i wasn't paid for it but i was kinda doing it on Mirantz's account

2006-11-16T00:14:00.000+11:00

Argh.. I'm a bloody nincompoop. Can't even open a bottle of wine properly. I followed the instructions on the website but not only did the cork not come out, my corkscrew broke off in the middle of the cork. Ok, i wasn't using the high-tech new bottle openers that they were selling in the supermarkets. It was an ancient one without frills(new technology) and had been left abandoned in some

2006-11-08T19:13:00.000+11:00

I'm such an easy trick now. A few sweet words and i'll be smitten. God knows what will happen tonight if I wasn't dog tired now.I met my friends for lunch just now at Bugis. Friend A who works for a gay portal had to go check out a gay spa that just opened recently so he asked me and Friend B to accompany him. I was kinda tempted by the idea (I've never been to a gay spa before and wanted to take

2006-10-29T04:19:00.000+11:00

Just readjusted my blog template. Damn shagged now and can't be bothered to tweak it any further. The first part looks pretty empty but i don't know how to fill it up with stuff. I guess i'll change it again when i'm in the mood. RAWR!Oh, I'm sorry for all the shit i gave you just now. Didn't realise i was bein insensitive and stuff. I'll watch myself in future. Anyway i didn't mean it. You know

2006-10-23T06:39:00.000+10:00

Ahhh. Finally getting down to blog again. I was telling alex not to label me anymore. Yes, i'm finally succumbing to societal pressures. Hope a nice girl comes along. Someone like Beverly. Yes, i had this thing for her for quite long. Might disgust those who knew me and her, but yes i had this thing for her since i first saw her. She was in the same class as clare for the first 3 months. I

2006-09-24T19:10:00.000+10:00

Finished watching 'My Girl' and now I feel so empty. It's like there's nothing else in store for me. I'm getting bored playing games. It feels like I should continue living in my fantasy, there's nothing out there in reality for me. In my fantasy, there's always something to look forward to.Oh, I went to Aleks' blog 2 days ago. "The boy who still believes in romance".. Well, I don't believe that

2006-09-19T21:49:00.000+10:00

Just watched a korean drama. The title's 'My Girl' and now i'm having weird fantasies running through my head. As much as the fantasies are entertaining, someho it feels sad that it will NEVER happened to us in real life. And much as i don't wanna watch K-dramas for the same reasons like the fan-girls does(cute guys galore), I really admit that the guys are really suave/cute.However I feel that

2006-09-11T05:45:00.000+10:00

Just came home from clubbing with my kor and his friends, one of which is my ex. We're on very good terms, but i just feel terrible. I've seen how they've made good with their lives, going on to higher education with their good grades and showing leadership capabilities in NS, just makes me feel totally inferior.Now i'm just doodling around with my life, lacking a sense of direction. Those

2006-08-20T04:27:00.000+10:00

I keep going back to the things i need to walk away from. Sigh, after that rejection, i met up with him again. Watched a movie, and actually held hands in the theatre. (More intimate stuff happened over the few hrs together but i'm lazy to write them all out.) Anyway, i thought i had a chance again. But I dunno. He seemed like he likes me, yet he doesn't say anything. I really don't know if i'm

2006-08-06T07:23:00.000+10:00

I guess tonight will be the last time i'm clubbing in AJ clubs for a while. I'm not really a clubby person since i don't drink or dance. The reason i go to AJ clubs is for exposure, hoping someone will take notice of me and yada yada yada. Oh well, i guess that's not the way to do things. I feel so out of place since i'm not dancing, and i won't be dancing since i'm not high from alcohol. I don't

2006-07-17T22:51:00.000+10:00

Heeeyyy!!! Blogging in Melbourne! Ooooohhh... I LOVE MELBOURNE!!! <333 Lawl.. picked up Anni's habits now. Lawl. Oh, Anni's a cute Filo gal playin WOW. Yessm she's pretty cool. Anyway, this is about me and Melbourne. Oh i absolutely adore Melbourne even with the freezin temperatures. Actually there's nothing much to do around here, but I just adore Melbourne. It just feels so cool to be here. I

2006-07-08T10:54:00.000+10:00

Ooo i'm phuckin' bord. Therefore you see this post. Or else i won't even bother to blog. I'm am soooo phuckin' bord, i never knew anyone could be this bord! (Burst) LOL. I'm really phuckin' bord. Uber sianzation, dunno what's going on wit my life too. Can't seem to be able to make a decision about my life. It's like, i've alrd decided i wanna be gay, but i seemed to be backtracking to that

2006-06-01T23:55:00.000+10:00

I think that it has just been a dream. And the dream has ended. It's time to wake up. I've been thinking, some people can just say stuff and forgets it promptly after. I shouldn't haven taken stuff so seriously. Now i feel hurt. He doesn't even show any care or concern. Why should i bother? It has been more a nightmare than a dream. Overwhelming emotions pressing me down it's hard to breathe, I

2006-05-30T22:21:00.000+10:00

I think every tuesday night is depression night? LOL. Must be the effect of WOW server maintenance. Then again, it gives me time to start thinking about stuff. Too much time infact. I don't wanna think about stuff cos it makes me sad.Tmr will be a week since we last met. Well, we're not gonna meet this week i guess. Unless he drops a surprise for me. And no smses either. Bleah. I dunno what's he

2006-05-28T03:45:00.000+10:00

Oh.. It's been a long time since i've posted and my friends were commenting that i only blog when i'm feeling down/depressed. Yeah.. Something great happened. I finally picked up the courage and asked him whether he likes me.We were meeting for a movie last wednesday but, i was feeling depressed over the mixed signals (i thought) he gave me over the past week. On tuesday night, i was really

2006-05-23T23:19:00.000+10:00

Ahh... It's been 1 and a half weeks. Tmr will be the 3rd time in 1 and a half weeks if we meet. Bought tickets for the 'Da Vinci Code' just now for tmr at 7.55pm Cineleisure. Dunno whether he will come or not. Heh. No reply yet. Oh well, probably i'll just trash the tix or get someone else to go with me i guess. Suddenly i feel depressed. I need some company. Someone i can talk to, someone i feel

2006-05-21T14:26:00.000+10:00

It's been a while since I blogged. I've been thinking of alot of stuff these few days. I guess i'm a neurotic person. Yeah, and i think my friends are getting sick of me anyway amd says that i think too much. I was thinking, whether 2 people of different backgrounds with different hobbies and personalities can be together? To me, it's like they'll get bored with each other pretty soon, since

2006-05-16T22:55:00.000+10:00

I'm feeling terrible. I know i'm not supposed to feel this way. Especially after just meeting him once. But i've kept thinking of him. And somehow i know that the feeling isn't mutual. I just can't stop thinking. Is it because i'm feeling lonely without anything to occupy me? Will I feel the same toward any Tom, Dick or Harry that just happened to be in my life at that time? It isn't the same

2006-05-16T00:31:00.000+10:00

I'm feeling lazy.. Ahahahah.. dunno what to blog on. Anyway, he smsed me just now, telling me that he isn't free on friday, so could we meet on wednesday instead. Of cos i'm fine with anything, since i'm free anyway. He'll confirm the timing with me again. Went out to town just now cos i was so bored at home. Either playing game or stoning. So i decided that i'll start reading. Went to Borders

2006-05-14T17:41:00.000+10:00

Yup. Met him last night for a movie. We were supposed to meet at 5, but I reached there earlier so that i won't be late. So i met clarence after his class and went to 'tapow' some Yakun kaya toast. It was rather close to 5 by then, so we hurried down to Somerset. However, he sent an sms to tell me he'll only be coming at 6. What to do? Walked around HMV with clarence to while away the time. 6

2006-05-13T03:33:00.000+10:00

I wanted to blog something but i've forgotten most of the things i wanna blog about already. Heh. That's one of my bad points. I forget about stuff easily. Well, i've a general idea of what i wanna blog, but it may not be coherent.Firstly, it's about THAT infatuation. Yes, that infatuation. I guess it's only an infatuation since i've not met him and i don't know what's he's like in real. On paper

2006-05-11T20:57:00.000+10:00

Woohoo! ORD lo =p ahahahha... yeah.. and the first thing i went to do after leaving office is to go meet my friend to go cut/dye my hair. Hehe.. I think it's a nice colour, ash brown. Even my nanny said it was nice after i got home. Yup. Hmm.. Tmr can't meet that dude. So sad right.. He can't make it in the afternoon, while i had dinner at night. So ya.. But we're meeting on Sat afternoon. Hah.

2006-05-10T19:17:00.000+10:00

Haha.. Finally found a video that i think it's worth putting up. Updated the blog template a bit. Been very lazy to blog.. Haha.. Lazy to do up the template too. Haha. Yeah. Feeling very sick nowadays. Dunno why. Just don't feel like eating. Wonder what's wrong with me. Ahaha.. Yesterday morning i got a sms, and boy was i shocked! ahahha. It was from that dude i was crazy over. Almost a week.

2006-05-09T14:05:00.000+10:00

Ahahahah... it's been quite long since I've posted. Well, i'm lazy. what to do? ahahaha.. Going ice-skating later. Hope i won't slip and fall, it's been like 3-4 years since i last skated? Hmmm... Nowadays feeling very lethargic, ever since i've started being active. Food intake has cut drastically too. Just didn't have the appetite to eat. Sigh. I think i'm gonna fall sick! Aww..

2006-05-06T08:19:00.000+10:00

Wooh.. Tiring. Just finished another jog/walk. Ahahahha.. Now my legs are aching like mad. Could have jogged more but my calves just couldn't take it. Dunno if I have the wrong technique to jog or what.. ahhahh. Well.. hopefully the next time i can jog more than today. Went out for dinner with Simon, Alvin, Raine, Seabass, Jamal, Ray and Jerjer last night. Was supposed to meet them at Tampines by

2006-05-04T17:57:00.000+10:00

Well, it has been a while since I've posted. ahahaha. I post only when i'm down in the dumps ya? Yesterday has been a terrible day for me. I'm just went utterly crazy. I actually got depressed while viewing someone's profile (actually, i fell in love with him, or rather his profile but he didn't reply my sms), so ya? Insanity, isn't it? hahha. Well.. i'm picking myself up from the doldrums. And

2005-08-19T11:57:00.000+10:00

Oopsie doopsie... Deleted all my posts.. Bleah.. Realised I need a post in order to preview my blog.